Updated: Jun 1
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes waiting for the baby in the baby carriage.
What is the fruit in waiting? We tend to live for what’s next and miss what the “in the moment” has to offer. For the first three years of our marriage, we painfully struggled with infertility. That doesn’t seem like a long time but in the moment, it felt like an eternity.
Research shows that the mental and emotional toll that infertility takes on couples is equivalent to that of cancer patients. Infertility is a cross that couples often bear alone and silently. Not only is it devastating to not get pregnant, but you battle emotions of disappointment, anger, frustration, hurt, insecurity, fear, despair, and self-pity. Not to mention the added outside pressure to an already unbearable experience so early in our marriage. As a woman and wife, I felt broken. This is what my body was created to do. We were so excited to start our family when we got married, and now I can’t make my husband a father. As a man, he also struggled with many insecurities. Infertility revealed many wounds in both of us. Every month that I got my period was another slap in my face, “You’re not pregnant, and probably never will be”. Every time we learned of a family member or friends' new pregnancy the doubt and insecurities only grew more.
Research shows that 81% of couples who experience infertility fluctuate between hope and despair. We felt as though we were experiencing a death, the death to our dreams of having our own children. We mournfully wondered what our children would have looked like and grown up to be. Would they have my eyes and his smile? My stubbornness and/or his sense of humor? Did God not hear our prayer? Would we not be good parents? My husband has a family business. If we don't have children, who would it pass down to? It was truly devastating. Why us? We struggled to trust God and His reason for allowing this cross in our life. After a while we lost hope.
We then discovered a program called Organic Conceptions, which became the turning point emotionally for us. We learned we had to change our attitude, accept this cross as a part of our story - molding us into who we are today. We realized that this time we had together was a gift, to grow in our friendship, work on our home, travel a bit. We learned so much about each other through this experience. We deeply longed for a child but learned that it was okay to live in the wait and enjoy this time that we would never get back.
In March 2020, the week covid shut the world down, I fell very sick, and after a series of unfortunate events, we discovered that we were experiencing an ectopic pregnancy. Personally, it was terrifying, but there was a tiny glimmer of hope. We had finally gotten pregnant, but we lost our precious baby. Aversely, we knew God was in control, and had to trust that there was a reason He allowed for this. In God’s providence, we found out shortly afterwards that an OB/GYN specialist trained in NaProTechnology (Natural Procreative Technology) would be moving to our area by the end of the year. We knew this was not random, and God was leading our way! In February 2021, we finally received the surgery we needed… PRAISE GOD! And two months later, we were pregnant with our miracle baby Kolbe Joseph! We were overjoyed that our prayers had finally been answered. However, I admit that at first, I still struggled with doubt that this was finally happening and held myself back from fully embracing the joy of this healthy pregnancy in fear that something might happen at any moment. Our wounds are healing but our Kolbe Joseph brings a daily radiant joy into those wounds.
Infertility is NOT a disease, but rather a red flag. Even though this was such a painful cross to carry, I am grateful for what it taught us. As Christians, we know when it seems darkest that is not the end of the story. There is a greater day coming. Easter Sunday doesn’t happen without Good Friday. Our season of infertility was our Good Friday and on December 9th, 2021, when Kolbe came into the world, that was our Easter Sunday to that season of infertility. As I reflect on our journey, the fruit from learning to live in the wait made us better individuals, spouses, bonded us more deeply and taught us to trust in God’s marvelous plan for our story. Kolbe was worth every second of our wait.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” - Jeremiah 29:11
October 25th, 2022 by A. Dillon, Founder of Cor Ministries PGH.